making the most out of my time
It's over, I survived it. My final mid-term exam has just concluded. I feel a mix of relief at its conclusion and dread knowing that there's more to come. But let's rewind to two weeks ago when I was preparing for the numerous upcoming tests, juggling my school work, and fighting a fever.
When I come across a life calendar that visualizes the remaining days or read news of an untimely death, I am often reminded that I must make the most out of the time I have left. And in the last two weeks, this thought kept manifesting in a negative way. The feeling of discomfort came when I was not spending my day preparing for my exams. And even when I was sufficiently prepared for them, pursing other hobbies still felt wrong. "What if I do badly? Does this mean I didn't study hard enough?" And on queue, this dialogue replays in my mind, making me feel sick to my core. The feeling was so nauseating that it debilitated me to the point that I fell ill for the first time in two years.
Just as all good things must come to an end, so too must the bad. With exams finally over, I have had a solid day to really reflect on and recover from what I've experienced in the last two weeks. What I've ultimately come to realize is that I must be disciplined in making time for my non-academic pursuits, and that spiraling is ultimately just a choice of narrative.
During my day off, I chanced upon the empty gym and spontaneously decided to hop on the treadmill, as I had no real plans. The idea was to walk on an incline for a few minutes and dip. In the midst of mindlessly-mindful walking, my head started to clear. It was strange because it had never occurred to me so acutely that the time I am spending on the treadmill helps clear my mind and improve my motivation. It was then I started to notice the other things I had tactically eliminated to "improve" my academics in pursuit of optimization. I had sacrificed going out to explore new places and eating properly. What took their place were stress-eating and dopamine-maxing on social media. Funny how counterintuitive it is that spending time on non-academics, helps me focus on academics! If I had only realized sooner. Truly, a jestermaxxing moment.
And of course, the spiral. I really need to stop using the spiral as an excuse to crash out. When I previously encountered a difficult problem during revision, I start to spiral. The spiral empowered me to surrender all self-control, and start justifying rash behaviors. Looking back, it was merely just a question I couldn't solve; there are infinitely many questions that I can't solve, but I'm not feeling upset about that. So really, in hindsight, I just need to reframe learning and internalize that difficult problems WILL come and I have the means to solve them.
Let this post be the last of its kind because I've learnt my lesson, but knowing that I'm quite forgetful, check back in eight weeks.